Imperfect but Abiding

Sharing Scripture and Stories with Sisters in Christ

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I’m a born again Christian. I’ve used writing as a tool for myself for a long time, but I’ve sometimes wondered if my experiences and stories could help others, so here I am, writing them down. Maybe somebody will read them, and maybe they won’t. It isn’t my job to worry about it.

    • An Unpopular Opinion

      I read Proverbs 12 as part of my daily Bible reading today. This verse really stuck out to me:

      An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,
      But she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4 (NASB)

      Before I explain why, I feel it’s important that I say this: I’m not married, and I have never been married. I’m also not dating anybody at this time. Any “insight” I put here is purely theoretical and based on my own observations and the advice and experiences of people way smarter than I am. In fact, a lot of this is going to be a compilation of phrases from those people.

      I think it’s awful that women treat their husbands like incapable idiots and that it’s considered normal.

      Biblically speaking, women are reminded to respect or be subject to their husbands. I believe fully that, knowing God’s character, this doesn’t mean that He wants women to stay in abusive relationships with men (or anyone, for that matter). We are expected to defer to husbands who are leading us in a Godly manner. This deference doesn’t mean following blindly, either; it simply means recognizing a husband’s authority in the relationship.

      Speaking for myself here, but I doubt that I would marry somebody I thought was an idiot. I have no problem deferring to decisions made by someone I trust. Believe me, I’ve prayed for a husband with vast amounts of financial responsibility to handle all those things so I don’t have to. Similarly, I don’t see myself marrying someone who thinks I’m an idiot, either. I think part of loving someone is recognizing their skills and levels of intelligence in different areas and being willing to listen to their opinions and guidance.

      From where I’m sitting, anyway, marriage seems to work best as a partnership between two best friends. A wife’s best friend (notice that I didn’t say girlfriend – more on that some other time) should be her husband, and his best friend should be his wife.

      Paul tells us in Ephesians that wives should respect their husbands and husbands should love their wives. In my eyes, this doesn’t sound too far from best friendship. Partnerships don’t work because two people are exactly the same, do the same things, and think the same way; partnerships work because each person brings complementary areas of expertise, responsibilities, and strengths. Nobody wants to enter into a partnership with somebody they don’t trust or like.

      Treating husbands like they can’t do anything right has so many issues, but I think this is one of the biggest ones. Undermining the model set out by God by tearing spouses down makes marriage so much less a partnership and so much more a battleground, and that’s not what it was designed to be. A husband talking about his wife as if she was stupid would be frowned upon in most circles. All I’m saying is that wives purposely portraying their husbands as idiots should be seen in the same way.

    • Put it Down

      Once, I had a conversation with a friend of mine about the differences between true and false guilt. True guilt comes from the sins we need to “own” by taking responsibility for them, confessing them, and asking God for His forgiveness. False guilt, on the other hand, doesn’t come from sin but from Satan’s lies or promptings, or from our own anxieties or fears. In other words, false guilt isn’t ours to take. It might belong to someone else (or no one at all), but it does not belong to us.

      The problem with this false guilt is that it can create shame that drives us away from Christ. Though Hebrews 4:13 tells us that nothing is hidden from Him, we’re living in a fallen world, and Satan loves planting the idea in our minds that we have done something so irredeemably wrong that we should pull away from the Lord. It’s a weapon that can work really well on people – myself included. While we might know that false guilt exists, it can be easy to convince ourselves that the guilt isn’t false at all.

      I’ve found that it helps to remind myself of this verse when I’m suffocating under the weight of guilt that doesn’t belong to me:

      But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. James 1:5 (NASB)

      David’s words in Psalm 139 can be helpful, also:

      Search me, O God, and know my heart;
      Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
      And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
      And lead me in the everlasting way. Psalm 139:23-24 (NASB)

      I think this is on my heart today for a couple of reasons. First of all, I deal with false guilt on such a regular basis that it’s bound to come up often, but I also think people generally fall into two camps: those who pick up way too much false guilt and those who are perfectly willing to pass out their true guilt to anyone who’s willing to pick it up.

      Obviously, this can be problematic. Romans 3:23 tells us we’ve all sinned, but that doesn’t mean we need to go around gathering up the guilt that belongs to others. John didn’t say “If we confess absolutely every sin we can think of regardless of who it belongs to;” he said “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9 NASB).

      So, if you tend to pick up the guilt that doesn’t belong to you, consider this your reminder to put it down. It’s not yours for the taking.

    • How I Got Here

      It’s been a long time since I attempted to write a blog. I think it was 2019 when I wrote exactly two posts on a WordPress site, then promptly forgot it existed. Really, I can’t think of much I would’ve had to say anyway. I thought I’d had it pretty rough, had experienced plenty of hardship. In some ways, I had; I’d lived through some difficult times. They seem trivial now, but that doesn’t negate the pain I felt then. Our worst experiences are entirely subjective. What seems like the worst day of my life might seem like a walk in the park for you. It’s a matter of perspective.

      That being said, I can’t help but laugh at my nineteen-year-old self. I had no idea what was coming. I was just sort of floating along, feeling hopeless and inconsequential. I bought a Bible that summer, but I didn’t spend a lot of time reading it. In fact, if you had asked me, I would have claimed to be an agnostic. I thought I’d known enough “religious people” who treated me like I was nothing more than the dust on the bottoms of their shoes. I’d pretty much decided I didn’t need to know any of those people because they wouldn’t take me as I was.

      Between the summer of 2019 and March of 2021, I lived quite a bit of life. I lived through the pandemic, moved to a new town, completed my student teaching, held down a few jobs, got my first teaching job, moved to another new town, then resigned that first teaching job. Maybe someday I’ll go into everything that happened during that time, but not today.

      On March 18th of 2021, I left my apartment to go to a job interview. It was about a two-hour drive to the school I was interviewing at, so I did what any invincible-feeling 21 year old woman would do: I scrolled through my phone while driving. There was no need for me to pay attention – I’d grown up texting and driving. I was better at it than anybody else.

      I went to the interview, then left to go visit some friends. It was on that drive that I learned I wasn’t as skilled as I thought I was. One minute, I was driving and scrolling through Facebook; the next, I was trapped between my steering wheel and the seat of my car. Whoops.

      This was the moment I first understood faith: when you have nothing else left, all you can do is pray, and that’s exactly what I did.

      I’ll spare you the extended description of everything that went on from extraction to life flight to emergency room, but I want to touch on one important piece of information: one of the EMTs that came to the scene got into the backseat of my car, held my hand, and prayed with me when the crew responded. I never forgot that. In fact, several weeks after the wreck, I saw her at a track meet and knew immediately who she was and got to hug her and thank her for her actions that day. Prayer and kindness make a huge difference.

      Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and pleading with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6–7 (NASB).

      From then on, I relearned to walk, underwent eight orthopedic surgeries over three years to repair the damages from the accident, started the teaching job I had interviewed for the day of the accident, spent many hours in physical therapy with some of my favorite people on the planet, truly found faith in Christ, joined a church and became active in it, was diagnosed with an autonomic condition, and most recently, resigned from that teaching job.

      That brings us here: a blog to detail some of my thoughts, feelings, stories, and (most importantly) favorite pieces of Scripture. I don’t know if anybody will read it, but honestly, it isn’t my place to worry about that. I’m doing it to share the love of Christ with others and to maybe reach those people who need to feel less lonely. Matthew 28:20 tells us we are never truly alone, but I also know from experience that doesn’t always feel true, and if God leads even one person to these stories because they need to hear them, then they are worth writing.

      “Go, therefore, and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to follow all that I commanded you; and behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:20 (NASB).

    • Some Truth

      Let’s get one thing straight immediately: I am extremely human. I don’t want anyone to believe I’m perfect, or that I know it all, or that I’m some wise old soul whose life experiences constitute a road map to live by.

      I’ve “failed” at too many things to count. I’ve been terrible at things. I’ve made all kinds of mistakes. I’ve treated people poorly. All the bad things you can think of and more – I can probably check them off the list.

      Do you want to know the best part, though? God loves me anyway. Romans 3:23 says “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” but that doesn’t negate his John 3:16 promise. Romans 5:8 tells us that Christ died for us despite knowing that we were so imperfect.

      This is a truth I know I can take to the bank. I use it to “guard my heart” regularly, meaning I try to use it to inform my thoughts and actions.

      Again, I want you to recognize and remember that I am absolutely not perfect. I don’t have it all figured out. No matter what, though, Christ’s love for me (and you!) is something I know I can rest in.